OK---background---I’m 48 and my husband is 50. This trip was a birthday present for him. It was our first trip without the kids since we had kids 11 years ago. We’ve been together forever. We started dating the day after my 19th birthday, so we are coming up on 30 years together. Every single thing about Desire would be a new experience for us. When I found the website and saw the photos of the beach beds, that the beach and hot tub were clothing optional (nothing my husband would like more), and that women dress in the tiniest clothes they have ever worn in their lives for dinner (except maybe this), I already knew it would be his favorite trip ever. The added bonus of being able to have sex more openly if we chose to---to see and be seen---pushed things over the top. We had talked about that for years, but had never found an appropriate context we felt comfortable with. When we booked, we weren’t thinking about playing with others, but as we discussed and prepared, we became more open to that as well. Sounds like Desire was made for us? Well, the big caveat here is that as much as my husband loves my body and thinks I’m the sexiest woman on the planet, I’m not a fan. Three kids between the ages of 37 and 42, combined with always being a bit heavier than I wanted to be left me more concerned about the C/O parts of this trip than anything else. But it was a present for him, and lying naked next to him on a beach was a fantasy I could fulfill. So, Desire it was.
So, we read everything online we could find, and shopped and shopped and shopped. Thank you to everyone who posted advice about anything. All of the insights and advice were helpful.
So, we get there. (No one really cares about the flight anyway.) It’s lovely. The ride from the airport was shorter than we thought. Check in was smooth and we went to grab a drink and a bit of lunch before the room was ready. I was a little dazzled by how incredibly beautiful everyone was, but doing just fine. My husband went to get the room key and check the room. We were in 2004. The room was spacious and right on the beach. The windows were smaller than I expected, so although there was a nice view if you were looking for it, it didn’t define the room the way ocean front views sometimes do. Nonetheless, it was very nice and the location next to the beach was perfect for me. I love the beach. There was still a tiny bit of sun, so off with the clothes (so far so good) and on to the beach. By the time we got there, it was pretty much shade (and therefore empty), so we stayed just for 20 minutes or so and decided to venture up to the hot tub. I tend to be shy, so the idea of just talking to people was a bit of a boundary push for me in a different way than the nude beach, but here we go.
So, up to the hot tub. Gee, that’s a long, long walk from the cubbies to the hot tub ladder! Deep breath. Stand up straight. Just go. Get in the water as quickly as possible without wiping out and killing yourself on the slippery (very slippery) wooden decking. OK---that wasn’t that bad---I can do this. Partially submerged in moving water is like being half dressed. I’m fairly comfortable. We introduce ourselves to some very nice people. They become friends for our entire trip. I relax. I was actually having fun. And, of course, I know with certainty that my husband was having fun because I know where his hands were while we were talking with people. So, success number two: I survived on the beach for 20 minutes without clothes and I actually had fun in the hot tub and was only slightly self-conscious. I sort of think we paused at one of the beds on our way downstairs and gave them a test run, but I can’t remember for sure at this point. There were six times that day so it’s a little tricky to accurately place every one of them. The beds were actually more discreetly placed than I had thought they might be and that was nice for an initial try.
Now it’s time to dress for dinner. This was super fun. I NEVER wear the kinds of clothes I wore at Desire and it was great to feel sexy and to have my husband and others appreciate the effort. (Ladies, others have said it, but everyone is so gracious. No one is pushy. Wear whatever you and your husband will enjoy.) We ate at Suki. It was great. Have I had better sushi? Sure. We live in New York. But the food was very good and the service was wonderful. The atmosphere and the pace were also wonderful. We enjoyed it so much that we ate here every night but one. It was just a good fit for us. It was light and delicious. Now it was time to head back to the room. There was a quick detour to the beach for one of the six times, then time to change. It was lingerie night. I wore something super revealing, but that I felt good in. We walked to the lobby area and the very moment that I came around the bar, my hand was grabbed (in a nice way) and I was pulled toward the stage. I had not seen anyone else dance, but all of a sudden, I was up there. I swayed for a few moments and hopped off. We then met the new friends that facilitated that debut. They were, just like the people we met at the hot tub, wonderful and interesting. After a bit we went up to the disco. I love to dance, so I was happy to hit the dance floor. After a short time, they offered to show us where the playroom was. Well, they did show us to the playroom and we all stayed for a while.
It was a fabulous and brand new experience. (OK – so initially I wasn’t going to say much here, but this is exactly what a lot of new people are wondering about, so I’ll say more.) I really did think we were just being shown where the room was, which was appropriate because it was hard to find. Once there, the gentleman who was serving as tour guide made it clear in a not pushy, but completely unmistakable way (that was probably important for me) that he wanted to play. I did not over think, reminded myself that my husband was next to me and that what was being offered was on the list of “pre-approved activities” so I engaged, so to speak. After a moment, our new friend broke away and spread out towels and returned to me. I leaned back and the rest is history. It couldn’t have gotten much closer to an ideal introduction for me if it had been scripted. I played with two new (male) friends and my husband. My husband engaged briefly with one of their wives and then re-focused on me. Even though there had been no discussion of boundaries or preferences before we went in the room, every person asked nicely (and typically in a super hot way) at every transition, and when some things were declined (we just weren’t ready for everything in our first experience) everyone carried on just as happily as they had before. At one point, someone who had not been invited to join us apparently came over and touched my ankle. He was directed away without me ever even knowing it. The experience was hot, fun, and other worldly. My husband was touching me and I was touching him the entire time we were in there, so we both knew we were both OK with what was happening. When we were all finished, I just readjusted the lingerie, ran my fingers through my hair, and went back out to the bar. Crazy but super cool. Mind blowing. OK – so what about later? Well, upon reflection: The entire time we were at Desire we were both more than cool with what had happened. We became quite friendly with the couples we were with, even though we declined further invitations to play. Once we got home, we started talking about the entire trip again, though, and realized we could have communicated even more, both during the experience and after, and that it would have made something good even better. So, no second thoughts, no regrets, but if we find ourselves having another experience at some point, my mantra will be communicate communicate communicate. That was my lesson learned here. We had checked in with each other and generally discussed everything and were on the same page even while it was happening, but when we did a “compare notes, moment-by-moment” discussion, we each found things we could have improved on for the next time. There were also some things that I think we managed to do really well, though, and that I’d want to make sure we keep doing. Importantly, unbeknownst to me at the time and for the entire trip, my husband was sizing up the way people, especially men, were acting when I was not around. He was paying attention to everything, but particularly to how they behaved with regard to women generally and me if it was relevant. Before we ever walked toward the playroom, he had decided that the friends we were with were kind, respectful, and genuinely appreciative of me and each other. That felt good to know. It also felt good to know that we were given the option and had the wherewithal to decline things with a word or a movement in the midst of the experience and that declining something did not put a damper on anything for anyone. It took the rest of the trip for that to really sink in, but that was really great. OK - enough perspective. Back to the trip.
We then returned to the disco for a bit, chatting with our friends and drinking a lot of water. I was seriously thirsty. Then my husband and I returned to the playroom again with just the two of us, and when we came out, the disco was emptying out and it was FREEZING, so time to go. We headed over to the hot tub to try to warm up a bit. The hot tub was quiet and not particularly hot (referring to water temperature here), but we had another nice conversation, engaged in some other activities with just the two of us, and stopped off on our way back to the room to try the lobby bar pizza. As others have said, it was very good.
Every single person we met was wonderful. People really extended themselves to help you feel welcome and a part of things, but it all always felt genuine, also. You’ll have to sort out for yourselves where the other activities fit in to that first day…
Alright, I totally leaned in to this new experience and everything was going swimmingly. What could go wrong now, right? Well, Day 2 dawns with a bright sun. We head out to actually get some sun, unlike the day before, on a beach bed. We settle in. We’re hanging out. My husband is thoroughly enjoying himself, and something horrible happens: I look out at the ocean. And in so doing, I see ME in the bright sun, with that bright sun accentuating every flaw in a way that I had never experienced before. Deep breath. “Honey, I don’t think I can do the photo shoot,” I say out loud, while thinking things much more self-critical than that. Honestly, I can’t remember how long we stayed with me trying to regroup. I can say that the entire rest of the day was entirely eaten up by this. I’ll spare you all the gory details, but you get the picture. We did go to breakfast. They had a great array of food and made one of the best veggie omelets ever. We also went to the work out room. It was perfectly reasonably equipped given the nature of the resort. We walked on the beach. We had lunch. We drank. We sat on the beach beds some more (I don’t admit defeat easily). We even ventured to the pool for a bit. That was hard for me. Given my frame of mind that day, the bright sun, and the 200 people sitting in a circle. I was nude and on a lounger, but I also did not speak with anyone and just tried to cope the entire time we were there. Ultimately, we decided the pool was not the place for us. That would probably be true for me no matter what. We’ve never sat at a pool when sitting at a beach was an option. The way I was feeling didn’t help, but that was our last time claiming a lounger at the pool. (but, later, we did visit at the pool with me in a strategically placed scarf, and of course attended the foam party). OK. So that was my meltdown. It was much bigger than I thought it would be (I’ve edited). It had longer legs than I thought it would. We did get dressed for the hot tub and started out that afternoon, but got sidetracked by my mood and the espresso martinis at the lobby bar (maybe I’m just tired and sleep deprived? Seriously, it’s not as though I’d never seen what I looked like before. And, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to predict that full sun is bright light. The martinis were amazing. The next day we learned they can even make them decaf. Should have explored that option earlier) and by the time we were ready to head up, some of our new friends from the day before were headed down. So we ended up passing on the hot tub. My goal for Day 1 was to lean in and I succeeded. I didn’t have a goal for Day 2 and well, maybe I should have.
Just to wrap up the day, we dined with some of our new friends at Sahio. I found the food there not as much to my liking as at Suki, so we didn’t return, but the company made up for it. We then donned our costumes and returned to the lobby bar area. After a tiny bit of dancing, I was still feeling the effects of my trauma that morning so we decided perhaps we should go to bed early and said our good nights. A few more practical comments at this point…it was chilly. We had left the air conditioning on in our room. I could not get warm. I could not stop shivering. There’s only one blanket. Even with the thick robe Desire provided, I was cold. I had not brought a single pair of anything that fully covered my legs. That was a mistake. I think the freezing was part of what made me not actually be able to sleep. Well, that and the espresso martinis. And, there was some sort of pump against the exterior wall near where the headboard was and it was on and insanely loud. (This was the only time it was on while we were there. It did finally shut off at around 3 or 4 am.) So, after awhile, I got up and went and sat on the beach, which is always good for my soul. After a much longer while, my husband came to collect me. We talked and talked. He offered to leave. I didn’t want to. I really was enjoying myself. I just wasn’t enjoying what my three lovely children had done to re-arrange my body. Another practical tip here: While sitting at the beach, I was wondering if I’d get bitten. I never felt any bites, so I wasn’t that concerned, but the next morning, my ankles were covered. They didn’t bother me at all the whole time we were there, but on other nights, despite not going to the beach, there were a few more bites. Once I got home, the itching became quite persistent and lasted for over a week. Next time I’ll use the repellent we brought with us.
So, I’m including detail about my meltdown here because (a) it really is part of my trip experience and (b) because I didn’t see anyone suggest anything other than complete ease with nudity on the forum and I think it might be helpful just in case there is anyone else remotely like me out there. Some critical points: everyone was lovely. No one said anything to me that wasn’t complimentary. I believed them all. I don’t think anyone was trying to just say things to make me feel good. Generally, I don’t think people knew how freaked out and unhappy with myself I was that day or that I was trying to regain my confidence for the rest of the trip. A couple days later described this initial escapade to a friend at the resort saying that I had been completely clear that no one was being critical of how I looked except me. I said, “no one cares.” He corrected me saying that implies they don’t actually care and that he thought it was more that people were all genuinely accepting of everyone. It wasn’t a lack of caring, it was an actual appreciation of everyone. I think he was right. I think I felt that. It’s just that what I was feeling was so strong it was hard to really make room for that.
My goal for Day 3 was to stop crying. I did ☺ Of course, though, the trip had changed course (bummer!) and coping better took precedence over collecting more awesome experiences. We got up on Day 3. We were starving, so we decided to eat first. I gave myself permission to put on a more clothes. I also did my hair and make-up before breakfast. I would ordinarily not, but I think it helped. We had a nice breakfast and headed back to the room. I did yoga. My husband discovered the Thai massage class that was happening in a few feet outside our room. I said I’d do it. Only one person could give or receive on a day. His birthday so he got to pick. He picked receive, surprising no one. That was a nice class. Lisa, the instructor, was great. We spent some time with her and her husband the next day and they were added to the list of great, interesting people we met. After that, we went to sunbathe on our beach bed. I figured out (yes, I know, I’m supposedly smart, so this should have occurred to me the day before) that if I lie completely flat and don’t use the pillow, then my body is not really part of my view if I lift my head and look at the ocean. Yay! So, there was successful sunning, except that it was actually sort of cloudy. After awhile, if we wanted any hope of sun, we needed to move down to the lounge chairs. My trick worked equally well there. My husband went over and got us some snacks to share for lunch and we had fun drinks from the beach bar. This felt like a normal vacation to me. I wasn’t stressing. Yay! The clouds gathered and it started to rain, so off the beach we went. It rained enough that it put a damper on things. We tried walking through the lobby area while it was pouring. I wasn’t thinking and left my flip flops on rather than going with bare feet and wiped out hard – how graceful! Luckily not too much was injured but I did end up with some swollen toes. Oh well, Eventually it cleared enough that we went up to the hot tub for a bit and visited with some people we had met earlier and ended up making some new friends. More different sorts of drinks. All that was fun. On the one hand, I was now back to being fairly comfortable. On the other hand, as I reflect back on the trip, I think the extent to which I was expending effort at coping and being comfortable expressed itself by me interacting with everyone precisely the way I would have if I had met them at a cocktail party at home. I was a bit more reserved than I was on Day 1, so even though I was comfortable standing with folks, I wasn’t really taking advantage of the Desire atmosphere either. But, it was still a great time. It was now dark and time to move along with the evening. Back to the room to change for dinner. This was by far the most revealing dinner dress. And, because I had lost a little weight before the trip, it was a bit too big! So, next musing on what I’d do differently next time: try on everything right before you go just to make sure you’re happy with it. Oh well, I went with it anyway. We went back to Suki and had another great dinner. Then we went to get ready for western night. I loved my outfit for western night. I was very happy once dressed and got a lot compliments and attention. We danced and danced. The entertainment and games were OK, but went on a tad long for my taste. I found the disco music generally OK and the crowd stayed at critical mass for quite awhile the entire time we were there. As I noted earlier, the disco was VERY air conditioned, so if you are not being active and not wearing a lot, it is seriously cold. That’s OK, because usually you are being active, but a few times it caught me off guard and I started shivering and it was hard to stop. Still feeling exhausted, with an aching, injured foot in my new cowboy boots, and having had a better day but still feeling more cautious than on day one, we decided to call it quits earlier than the first night and headed to the room.
I seem to have lost my ability to break things into paragraphs. Sorry! Hope it’s not too annoying.
The next morning, the weather was so-so. We hit our beach bed again for a little bit before breakfast, then had breakfast, I did my yoga, and we did the other half of the massage class. I have never really been into massages as the receiver unless they are by my husband and we are alone. But, I did adequately with this despite needing to be pretty much nude and in the gazebo. I was not comfortable, but I also didn’t make us stop. I gave myself full credit for that. Then, it was time to go find some friends at the pool to coordinate for a wine tasting we had planned on the forum before the trip that was to occur after the foam party. We talked for awhile and then we went back to the beach beds for the late morning and early afternoon. I was much more comfortable now. I was now back to letting my husband pick what I wore when it was time for clothes and that sort of thing. The one thing I wished I had prepared for, though, was to have more flexibility in what I had brought to wear during the day. Lots of women had lots of super sexy revealing but covering things they wore to meals or even at the pool. I had a limited selection of clothes, a cover up, a bikini, and then my things for dinner and theme nights. Greater choice during the day would have been a good thing for me, I think.
Anyway, then it was time for the foam party. We head over to the pool from the beach and it wasn’t clear what, if anything was happening. We’ve already established that standing in the center of all the people at the pool without clothes on was not my thing, so despite seeing people we knew and chatting, I was getting less comfortable by the moment (understatement here), so we left for a few minutes and then wandered back once we knew the foam had started. The foam party was fun, but I think perhaps my expectations were too high. There was music, foam, and the pool. It was a breezy day, so a lot of the foam blew off the pool periodically. This was pretty, but contributed to the feeling that we were all just bouncing up and down in a pool. It was also a tad cold – the sun didn’t cut into the foam/water combination much. Anyway, eventually the foam engulfed us more, and then I could better see the appeal. We had a good time, and played around as one would expect, but I could imagine it being more fun if I weren’t in water up to my rib cage, or if it were at night. Then it was time to get ready for our wine tasting. This was really quite wonderful. It was less about the wine (although everyone brought great wine) and more about the very cool people we got to hang out with. I think belying my still recovering comfort level, it was a great, but very tame discussion of all sorts of things. Eventually, it was time for that to wrap-up (not to mention I had make-up in my eye that was making one eye tear and driving me insane), so we went to prepare for dinner. I was not thrilled with one aspect of the dress I had planned for this night, so instead recycled my husband’s favorite dress from the first night. We had another lovely dinner at Suki, again saying “hi” to friends who were there. Then I dressed in the most silly costume I brought. I had no idea how to do Carnival, but cobbled together a corset I liked and a feathered bustle. Again, we hit the lobby bar and danced and danced. There was less in terms of activities and contests that night, which was fine with me. We then all adjourned to the disco, danced and danced there, visited the playroom, returned to the disco, then gave the playroom another visit. These trips were just with us, but they were a lot of fun. That said, I should have moved around more. I just sort of figured the view I had was fairly indicative of any view I would have. I could see a bit and it seemed to me that everyone was sort of doing their own thing. I later learned from my husband that I was totally wrong and that we had a dedicated audience that I was not aware of. The disco was winding down, but it was our last night, so we then went up to the hot tub for a last time. It was pretty quiet but people we knew were there. A few conversations and a bit of fun. Then we hit the lobby bar for a last snack.
In the morning, although we went to sit on the beach for as long as we could before donning our airplane clothes and having breakfast, it still felt like we basically got up and left. That was a bummer. I’d do that differently. I’m not sure it was the time of day as much as it was that the trip was so short. I think I was just starting to truly regain my footing as we were leaving. I was ready to be adventurous and confident and not self-conscious again but it was time to go. So, more lessons learned…give myself more time to acclimate to the aspects of Desire I’m less comfortable with, and more tricks (aka clothes) to allow me to acclimate a lot or a little in any moment or setting without feeling like I was pulling too far back. If I had that, I don’t think I’d pull back at all from the fun adventure that Desire is. I didn’t think I was pulling back much while I was there, but as we were getting ready to leave, I was thinking “but wait, I’m ready to lean in again,” which clearly means I was, in fact, pulling back.
What did I think? Will we go back? It was amazing. My leaning in day was one of the most adventurous of my life. The people were all amazing. I didn’t meet a single person I didn’t wish I got to spend more time with. In fact, as we were leaving, I was hearing myself thanking people, which was weird. But, it was because people were so welcoming that it felt more like they had hosted a special party than that you were all just random guests together. There was just so much hospitality. The time with my husband was spectacular. Even when I was upset, we were so together and so focused on each other (and not work, the kids, the house, etc.). That was really amazing. And that doesn’t even count the time we spent focused on each other during the lead in before the trip, or what we’ve spent processing the trip now that we are home. The sex was other worldly (and here I’m talking about the sex with each other). I think that must be what happens when it’s the prime focus of every activity and setting. And, I learned that I’m less comfortable with my body than I thought I was. Well, not the most fun thing, but probably not a bad thing to know. So, we’re dying to go back. I think I can equip myself to lean in more consistently now, and I am excited to find out what that would be like.
So, perhaps the longest trip report for a 4-night trip in history. I’ve never been accused of being concise and no danger of that here. But, after laying all this out for semi-public, I’m curious about people’s reactions. Can’t wait to read them.
and that's what's keep us going back...4 times and counting...