I grew up in a home where sex wasn’t really talked about. Although wild spirited, and incredibly crass, I’m as vanilla as it comes. I don’t like my body, and have closed the doors when I shower for the 20 years I’ve been with my husband.
A couple months ago, my husband had a PSA test. The levels came back high, and our doctor is suspicious of cancer. I was determined to keep his mind occupied while we waited for specialists and test results, and in the process went down a rabbit hole leading to Desire.
From the moment we decided to book a trip we have been educated in a variety of ways. We had trouble finding available rooms in January… only to find out later we are going during international swingers month. Interesting. Of course, there’s a day/month for everything, so why not?
We had lots of fun planning for the theme parties! I have officially bought more things from China in the past 30 days, than my entire life combined. For the things that did not arrive on time, I cannot appreciate amazons next day delivery more than I do right now. I’m saying a small prayer in the back of my mind that nothing arrives while we are gone for the dogs to chew up, and our 17 year old son to find….
I’m 42, my husband is 50. Through the life we have cultivated, I have several friends in their early 20’s through 30. Discussions of this trip with them lead to grooming conversations. Apparently all my friends get Brazilians- something a year ago you couldn’t pay me a million dollars to have done. As the girls prepped me for what to expect, they failed me in a multitude of areas. I was expecting the esthetician to leave the room, so I could disrobe. Nope, take it off and hop on the table. No security blanket, or towel given. No quasi separation between the northern and southern parts of my body, like giving birth to a child wearing a hospital gown. No dinner before hand. In my mind the area getting serviced is not that large- 2 rips and done, which was absolutely NOT the case. I swear there were what seemed like 5-7 yanks on each side. The anticipation of when she would pull was the worst part of the entire thing. Waiting in anticipation for each removal to be equivalent to the worst one…. I’m just thankful I still have both lips down there! At some point in here the service provider asks if I was my butt done. Huh?!? Nobody told me about the back side? I politely declined, as I was not mentally prepared for that service on this day. She asked me if I wanted her to tweeze? Uh… I don’t know? Just do what you normally do, I seriously won’t know the difference. Don’t ask questions, I just need you to do what you do. I had imagined going into this room with it being dimly lit, with the soft glow of candles or a lamp in the corner - the service being provided by an individual wearing a head lamp in order to be able to see what they are doing. The room was fully lit blaringly bright, and similar to that of an interrogation room. I have since gone back, received the “full” Brazilian, and my husband has had one too now.
Another friend that’s my age mentioned bleaching my backend. Oh my gawd! So much grooming and prepping that I never knew about! Do I need this?!? Well Carrie, take a look…. Oh lord…. How have I occupied this body for 42 years, and not familiar with every nook and cranny? This new suggested twice daily ritual has been hard to truly embrace, as I am terrified I will end up with a light halo around the exterior of my pants, unbeknownst to me….
Each friend I have shared my pending venture with has enlightened me in unexpected ways. I mentioned STD’s as a concern. One friends suggestion: if you see anyone with a small bump of any kind, in any location, do not engage. This includes around the mouth. Oh shit! As my stress levels have increased in anticipation of going, I am now sporting one zit near my mouth. People are going to think I have herpes!
Another friend mentioned her concern of using toilet paper, as it can result in butt crumbles and clitty litter. What?!? How many new insecurities can one person acquire? I’m beginning to remember when body insecurity was simple- maybe I’m sporting extra pounds I wish weren’t there…. So many new and intrusive thoughts.
In typical anxiety ridden fashion, I try to research my way into confidence regarding new subject matters. I’ve spent hundreds of hours combing through the desire forums in search of answers for questions. What seems to be the only consistent thing through this has been the more answers I seek, the more questions I’m left with.
We’ve had discussions about things we have never discussed in our 20 years together. It’s been wonderful to grow as a couple, even after all this time. As we’ve discussed things we are interested in exploring, at this point, nothing is off the table. After all, how can you know you don’t like something, if you’ve never tried it? And as we sit and contemplate soft swap, full swap, etc. we are left with- what if nobody is interested in us? Oh wait, but what if they are? A continuous cat and mouse game, where you stalk your prey. Hoping, fantasizing, strategizing…. But like when Tom finally catches Jerry, you have that “oh shit” moment in wonder of what you actually do now? Or worse yet, what if i open my mouth like Charlotte in the Sex and the City movie, and am left with Montezuma’s revenge that hits during our first escapade with others? “Pardon me, while I try not to shit the pants I’m not wearing???”
Yes, we are content to just enjoy each other. It’s worked for us for 20+ years. But also interested in seizing an opportunity to explore different potential experiences. Can someone please see our yellow wrist bands, and take us by the hands and lead the way? Teach us your ways. Disclose secrets of pleasure I never knew we couldn’t live without. Where is the signup list for a mentor? Or apprenticeships? Mold us to your whims, let us soak up knowledge you have carefully curated through your years of experience.
As I’ve tried to prepare for this trip, my husband and I are having more sex - 4 times in one day, a new record for us. And in doing this a mere two days before leaving, I am learning even more things. Having that much sex leaves you exhausted. Despite working out every day, with at least 60 minutes of cardio, this is perhaps beyond my current stamina? I should have been preparing in a different manner. And to make things worse, I have woken up itchy in a place I absolutely do NOT want to be itchy in! Is this the result of chaffing from too much sex? From having my inner parts waxed? Is this the beginnings of a yeast infection? As I scramble to fix this, I contact my doctor. She tells me to take a medication she knows I have on hand, but for animals. Doggy style was perhaps a position I thought I may be partaking in this week, but not a medication I’d be consuming… only to be advised by another friend that this medication cannot be taken with alcohol, or you can get really sick. Even up to three days after the last dose!
Clearly will desist medication consumption immediately! There ain’t no way this week is gonna happen without a lot of liquid courage! I’ve only slept with 3 people in my entire life- 2 of which were many year relationships. I am now left with appearing as if I’m a disease riddled individual from the stress and grooming efforts for this trip. It’s cool, what’s meant to happen will happen. This is like dating all over again, but not? Will they like us? Will we like them? We thought we were good in bed…. But did you see that?!? How am I a girl, yet completely baffled by how to pleasure another woman? What is this insanity???
Just remember back to your first time either to Desire, or entering the lifestyle. My husband and I are usually the most confident people in a room. People come to us for guidance and problem solving. We are experts at what we do. And now the roles reverse, and the masters resume student status again. I always did enjoy being a sassy, boundary pushing, teachers pet.
Wish us luck. The hardest part is done - the anticipation. Now it’s just a matter of literally and metaphorically jumping into the pool…